GoGirls - girls on the go!

Hey everyone,

so it is super late and instead of sleeping like what normal people do about this time, I find myself awake and searching for a solution to the most basic of all problems. Or most basic for me at the moment anyway.

I'm struggling with this re-creation of myself... and how it drastically affects the relationships I have around me. The ball-busting Hawa that told you what was what seems to be taking flight under the Hawa that just wants to make peace with everyone before she takes off to parts unknown, but I'm not feeling satisfied. I'm feeling a little less than the person I always am just to satisfy this need I have to have everyone comfortable before I leave, and the need is unjustified because why SHOULD everyone be subjected to a different me? I made a pledge to myself to be true to the person that I am, but I'm twisting it so it only fits for while I'm travelling, what does that matter though really?? I'm walking around being half of what I am so that when I'm abroad I'm 100% real.

I hate to admit it but I'm selling out and I'm going to admit what at this point very few people have realized. Giving away the possessions I hold that so clearly express me (or so I thought) is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. And that automatically makes me question the confidence and self-worth I usually give myself. Have I spent all this time happy with the way I am because of the way I looked???????

Giving away the clothing that you use to define yourself makes you question who you are. Without the object giving you meaning by its blatant ability to make people go "WOW there goes _____" you feel a little berefit. How do you give away the things that you know you don't need and still retain a little bit of you in the process?????????

I'm learning here.. I know it... but it doesn't feel like learning yet. It feels a great deal confusing and makes me feel a little empty....